light of the world

Friday, April 27, 2007

22:54

OH MAN. i've finally finished washing everything, from camp as well as from softball. and as i'm waiting for my hair to dry, the first waves of nostalgia are already sweeping through. i miss camp.

i was surprised at myself for the height elements. I thought i would be like in sec 3 where i freaked out majorly and was basically impotent. But this time, i freaked out less and concentrated more, achieving progress. which means that i inched along on the logs, took some time at the rock wall but climbed all the way to the top, and abseiled down the wall feeling scared but not managing to show it (i think). so yeah, i've surpassed my own expectations.

i'm very proud of my group mates and classmates too. some people whom i would have thought to back out of doing the ropes for fear of heights actually did it in the end, fear or no fear. and i am extremely happy for them that they have surpassed their limits (psychological or otherwise) as well.

but the highlight of the first day had to be dinner and post-dinner. cooking our own dinner turned out quite well, contrary to my expectations! we started cooking early, boiling the water and then the pasta, then warming up the pasta sauce. food distribution was good, with only a little bit of pasta leftover. sauce was all lapped up as well. the best thing was, we all still had room for mashed potato and cake. and the ending celebratory downing of sparkling juice (thanks to aj and aaron for that) was fantastic. it really felt good with all 28 of us, standing there in a circle, doing a "yam seng" in the dim moonlight and then feeling the cool juice down your throat. it was special.

the ensuing ice war that started with aj tricking bel (as usual) was crazy. we all started doing it! it got so bad till me and geri finally called a truce and aj had to stand in the middle attempting to limit the damage she had inflicted on our sanity. obviously it didnt really work xD

the night walk was after dinner. the solitary/pair/triple walk was the main event. as the rest had gone further down to look at the clearing, lich, bel and i decided to go first, me leading the way. wooh. i was utterly apprehensive as we entered that dark lane with nothing but our own eyes and the dim half-moonlight to guide us. as we walked along, our fear led us to talk, despite the instructors' wishes to let us hear the sounds of nature in silence. out came the confessions, the heartfelt talk that was missing from us for a very long time. for quite some time, we have talked with one another with our facades very much on. we have never opened up much to talk about heartfelt things. it seems to be a general pattern of smiling, joking and grumbling about schoolwork, followed by an occasional, seemingly blip-in-the-general-pattern kind of heartfelt talk like this which makes us seem more humane. it's funny how we call ourselves the humans people but don't really act as feeling humans. the intellectual aspect of us has usurped even the rightful place of the spirit and the emotions in most of us and we think it's normal! but the fact is that, not everything is well with everybody and there are people struggling out there, with the same problems as you do. it's depressing and emo on the one hand and oddly comforting in the other. i shall ponder more over this paradox.

meanwhile let me say abit more about the morning walk we had in the forest. i have now come to realise how wrong we were when we thought that the female instructor was being ostentatiously performing an emo speech to make us do the same thing, and we were uncomfortable with the idea, thinking that "land art" was pretentious and attention-seeking. i thought the same way initially as well, but now, as i think over what has traversed since then something worrying has cropped up. since being thinking AND feeling humans is normal, and, it being rj, we have let the intellectual part of us take dominion over the rest of the body and soul, even trying to get back to the core of our being had been labelled "abnormal" by us.

it is thus odd to find that we have sacrificed the health of our inner being to be sociable and friendly and outgoing. the latter is likened to an empty shell, pretty on the outside but hollow on the inside. one sharp rap and the shell might just collapse into fragments of dust. on the other hand, a shell full of sand would be more difficult for the ebb and flow of the waves to shift it around. if we are healthy and full on the inside, we will stay anchored to the ground and not be tossed about by every wind of circumstance and whim.

all in all, it was a memorable and inspiring camp. i believe it did all of us alot of good, if not interbonding then intrabonding. i revisited old but still cherished hopes and fears which some of the sharings in the forest awakened within me. i am so glad that im not alone in these fears and sorrows and hopes.